Filmbecile

The Incredible Hulk

2008-09-28T17:50:00.003-04:00

Good action, but feels lifeless and jarringly chopped up.

The Incredible Hulk: 4/10

Iron Man

2008-09-07T12:45:00.004-04:00

Entertaining romp that introduces a fascinating lead character, but steadfastly refuses to explore him.

Stark's character arc ends in the first act, making way for a fun, competently-made and acted, yet emotionally unfulfilling film.

Iron Man: 5/10

The Wackness

2008-09-05T23:36:00.003-04:00

Distinctive direction, amusing performances, an appropriately lazy, hazy, retro feel, aaaaand... that's about it.

Apparently, Levine was either too lazy to aim higher or had chronically underachieved for the entire 100 minutes, which consists of him dabbling and clumping bits and pieces of stuff-that-matters (family dysfunction, drug addiction, depression, suicide) with stuff-that-doesn't-matter (musical references, faux-philosophy, high school), and turning them into one large, clunky, and (usually) underplayed joke.

Ultimately a frustrating film that delivers a couple laughs, but not much else.

The Wackness: 4/10

Son of Rambow

2008-09-05T22:58:00.004-04:00

Messily made and amateurish, it plays,
An ode to old childhood and much better days.

Simple and sweet, like its hero-boy's person,
It's also the reason it occasion'lly worsens.

Son of Rambow: 5/10

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

2008-08-15T21:27:00.001-04:00

Done.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall: 4/10

My Beautiful Girl, Mari

2008-08-04T20:57:00.004-04:00

My Beautiful Girl, Mari is a beautiful girl, indeed. In fact, she's so beautiful that nobody seems to care if she's kind of slow, doesn't have much to say, and tends to ramble on incoherently about ridiculous flights of fancies. (Giant white puppy dogs walking on cotton candy clouds? Puhleeze.)

The initial glimpse of her is quite heavenly, evoking images of flight, serenaded by heart-tugging song. And then the rest of the hour passes by in slow motion, thanks to some of the slowest animated framerates I have ever seen. You know, for a movie about the fleeting spirit of childhood, she sure doesn't fleet. But moves. Like a corpse. With a walk. -king stick.

She's also a fairly shallow creature, deluding herself into thinking that gradually revealing cause-and-effect statements like "my father died, I'm sad" or "my best friend is leaving, I'm lonely," is somehow deep and moving. She also keeps implying that her crazy LSD-induced images aren't just random, abstract delusions, but are actually ambiguous visual metaphors that mean something, which she, of course, refuses to reveal. If inkblots can mean something, hon, I'm sure humongous flowers and shining marbles can too.

Mari did get one thing right, though. She is a lot like a childhood dream - nostalgic and pleasant look at, but doesn't really amount to much and, in the end, is completely, completely forgetful.

My Beautiful Girl Mari: 4/10

Go, Speed Racer, Go

2008-07-25T23:31:00.003-04:00

"Orgy, hell: The film is like a nightmare in which you're trapped in an arcade with screens on all sides and no eyelids."
David Edelstein

"Gaudier than a Hindu-temple roof, louder than the Las Vegas night, Speed Racer is a cathedral of glitz."
J. Hoberman

"So hyperfrenetic that, in the end, you wonder if the Wachowskis aren't trying to pull off an elaborate hoax – a deranged techno fantasia posing as retro-ish family fare."
Peter Ranier

"'Speed Racer' proudly denies entry into its ultra-bright world to all but gamers, fanboys and anime enthusiasts."
Kirk Honeycutt

Well then, count me in.

Speed Racer: 7/10

Redbelt (See Poster For Ending)

2008-07-23T20:54:00.004-04:00

Well-acted (but im-
plausible) underdog sto-
ry that doesn't

Redbelt: 6/10

The Dark Knight is About George W. Bush

2008-07-19T14:57:00.011-04:00

Using the character of Batman as a not-so-subtle filmic representation of the President of the United States, Christopher Nolan has given me a whole new appreciation of good ol' George W.

It only became clear to me at the climax of the movie, but, looking back, I should've seen it coming all along. I mean, just consider the progression of events:

A known, but untouchable, group of criminals have terrorized Gotham City, until a heroic aggressor finally steps up for the good citizens and starts aggressively hunting down the evil, in a large cloud of public praise.

Fittingly, the specific first act of violence in the film is initiated and orchestrated by an insane, unkempt radical with a propensity for making home videos. This, effectively sets off the war that's about to be waged in the film.

Said heoric aggressor, namely, Bruce Wayne (or W., B., as I like to call him), funds his war on terror by misappropriating large amounts of hard-earned corporate money to his own personal weaponry department, creating never-seen-before technology to wage war with.

When one of the foreign conspirators (who is actually only marginally connected to The Joker) manages to escape back to his home country, Geor... er, I mean, Batman launches a top secret mission in which he infiltrates said foreign territory and illegally extradites the suspect, throwing him into a local prison. He later dies, but not before immeasurable amounts of cash are burned for the purpose of killing him.

Despite this public "victory", Public Enemy #1, is still at large, so Batman results to torturing suspected criminals for wild grabs at information. This marks the start of an epic physical chess game where The Joker and Batman keep one-upping each other in an effort to gain supremacy (all right, so, this part is slightly exaggerated).

The battle escalates to the point where the public begins to urge Batman to step down, in order to stop the madness, realizing that Batman's reign only attracts terror, as much as it deters it. Public favor suddenly starts to shift towards a young, highly charismatic politician, who begs for people to believe in him.

Batman begins to consider stepping down, even going so far as joking to his ancient, right-hand man that he'll go down with him. This all changes when The Joker eludes capture yet again, prompting our hero to initiate a controversial movement that allows him to access all the public's cell phones and geographic locations. Due to his actions, his African-American confidant and chief of his defense department nearly resigns in disgust.

Finally taking a swerve into speculative fantasy, Batman captures The Joker after a confrontation in a construction site, but not before The Joker and his cohorts leave a large trail of bodies behind.

Realizing that he partially was responsible for the trail of destruction, our hero heroically accepts responsibility and even is willing to paint himself as a villain, selfessly and heroically paving the way for the aforementioned young upstart politician to take his hero's mantle, and deliver the message of hope and change to the world.

And thus ends ~~George's~~ Bruce Wayne's hero's journey, as he runs into the night after sacrificing his public image, being chased into the shadows by an angry blue mob.

George W. Bush, may you be chased by men and dogs.

The Dark Knight: 8/10

Chaos Theory

2008-07-11T12:44:00.003-04:00

The Checklist

1) Solid performances. CHECK.
2) Capable direction. CHECK.
3) Appealing balance between comedy and drama. CHECK.
4) Likeable characters. CHECK.
5) Plausibility. CHECK.
6) Brisk pace. CHECK.

The Cards
1) Plans vs. Whims vs. Fate
2) Fatherhood: Nature or Nurture?
~~3) Gun control.~~

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

The Outcome
A well-made "happily ever after" film lacking thematic resolutions and missing out on its potential.

Chaos Theory: 5/10

The Chaser

2008-07-07T20:49:00.008-04:00

This thriller does it all wrong, all, all wrong.

Let us list the ways:

The killer is apprehended in the first act.
The "hero" is an ex-(corrupt)-detective who is now a pimp.
The damsel in distress is one of his whores.
The loyal sidekick is (rightfully) named "Meathead."
The villain gives an understated performance.
All the chases are on foot.
The biggest car crash is a fender bender.
There's no obligatory romance.
It's over two hours long.
The kid isn't wise beyond her years (and is, in fact, kind of stupid).
Shots last over 4 seconds (well, some do).

What it gets right:

Lots of violence.
The police work is a joke (albeit, sadly, intentionally).

And despite all these glaring flaws, this film still has the gall to provide the white knuckles only reserved for Saw viewings when you're pulling your hair out from its stupidity.

How dare the film defy formula?

Perhaps The Chaser's largest genre faux pas is placing the movie on its flawed protagonist's shoulders, relying on his irrational, borderline-incompetent, and darkly humorous attempts on rescuing his lost girls. Kim Yun-Seok's character is so engrossing and (unnervingly) likeable that his guilt-driven sadness and recklessness causes us more discomfort than the victims' bloody life-or-death situation. And what kind of childish thriller actually focuses on character?

The Chaser: 8/10

Charlie Bartlett

2008-07-03T23:22:00.004-04:00

Taking a break from his professional job as an amateur psychiatrist, we put Charlie Bartlett on the other side of the bathroom stall probe into his mind through this brief questionnaire.

He enlightens us on some of the challenges of being the most popular student in high school, as well as some insight on his personal heroes and role models.

Your favorite virtue:
Trying too hard to be universally loved for who I am.

Your chief characteristic:
Bi-polarism. Sometimes, I lack common sense and logic and display random bursts of awkward cartoonishness. Other times, I oversimplify and become entrenched in my own immature melodrama.

Your main fault:
I lack an identity and try so hard to fit in that I spread myself too thin by shamelessly showing off multiple inconsistent facets of my personality in an effort to please everyone.

Your idea of happiness:
A packed audience cheering my name.

Your idea of misery:
$4.7 million in worldwide box office gross.

If not yourself, who would you be?:
Ferris Bueller.

What you hate the most:
Posers (which explains my self-loathing).

The reform you admire the most:
None -- be yourself, don't be afraid, and trust yourself because you are worth it. Except if you smoke. Or are an alcoholic. Or are suicidal. Or are a bully. Or are an authoritarian, socialist, or some combination of both. Or are adulterous. Or have mental disorders. Or if you don't have self-confidence.

The natural talent you'd like to be gifted with:
Matthew Broderick's.

For what fault have you most toleration?:
I don't know. I'd like to say indecisiveness maybe, but I'm not sure.

Charlie Bartlett: 5/10

Secret Sunshine

2008-06-28T12:42:00.003-04:00

Lee Shin-Ae is this movie.

Not only does Jeon Do-Yeon carry the entire movie, but her character becomes the movie.

Like its protagonist, the film initially parades around town in a veneer of normality and happiness (i.e. blandness and disinterest), acting richer than she really is (through nifty camerawork and showy side performances), but hiding a plethora of internal problems that explodes in the third act (in the form of juvenile pranks and hysterics) and ultimately leads to her being unable to deliver the payoff (eagerly promised by the numerous thematic setups).

And then, further emphasizing its central theme of denial and repression, the film runs about 45 minutes too long on the fumes of its own self-importance.

Secret Sunshine: 4/10

Superman Returns

2008-06-27T16:05:00.002-04:00

Singer self-pleasures
with wooden leads, bloated scenes,
and bible stories.

Superman Returns: 4/10

Alvin and the Chipmunks

2008-06-25T21:08:00.002-04:00

*~*The ch1pmunkz are sooo~~~ darn cute~~~!~!~!~**

Alvin and the Chipmunks: 2/10

Kung Fu Panda

2008-06-21T16:05:00.002-04:00

Amazingly authentic in regards to its Chinese roots, it's shiny, mass-produced, and totally shameless in its imitations, without bothering to innovate. It even apes the Chinese advertising tactic of hiring foreign stars to mouth two or three lines for the camera and then commercializing the heck out of them. Hell, even the highlight of the film's creativity, the opening dream sequence, is, like all the best Chinese products, cribbed from the Japanese.

Just like bamboo, though the film's mostly hollow, it is also surprisingly strong.

Kung Fu Panda: 6/10

Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon is About True Love

2008-06-19T22:21:00.013-04:00

It wasn't until the very last scenes when it all became clear. Let's recap.

Andy Lau and Sammo Hung meet and become fast friends, with Andy referring to Sammo as "Big Brother." Then Andy's career takes off and he's given the "All-Piercing Spear," as phallic a symbol as any. This is followed by a scene where Sammo urges Andy to "ride swiftly" while Andy touches his chest while gagging on a mouthful of rice.

This subtext was such a pleasant surprise as everything else in the movie is so idiotically blunt and mentally un-challenging that I forgot to keep thinking and had to catch up every once in a while after dozing off.

Later in the film, Andy is wounded by Maggie Q in a duel and is tended to by Sammo, after the fight. One of Andy's soldiers offers to remove his armor, but Andy refuses, saying that he doesn't like showing his weaknesses. Andy then dismisses everyone, except Sammo. Alone, they then exchange a knowing glance and offer each other tissue and ointment.

This is a good time to note that the film's title, 三國之見龍卸甲, literally means "see the dragon, shed the armor," a clear metaphorical and synecdochical reference to Andy's "dragon" and attire.

Andy's soldiers then suddenly return to report that Maggie Q's army is attacking again. Andy immediately orders his entire army to certain death by Maggie Q's lute-playing/Mandarin ghost-voiceover-er.

Everyone dies, except for Sammo, of course, who stays behind. Sammo asks Andy if he'll surrender, but is laughed off. This is when Sammo breaks down and admits his betrayal of him in favor of Maggie Q. Why? Because he's been giving and giving and giving all these 32 years, and what's Andy given him? Nothing! Just endless exotic trips into the unknown while he stayed behind. What about his needs? What about his wants? All he wanted was for his name to lie next to Andy's when they got home from the war, but, alas, they're still fighting in circles in the sand.

I cried at this point. Tears were streaming.

Andy is crestfallen, but philosophical. He tells Sammo that he had stripped him of his armor. In other words, Andy had shown him his dragon, he had shed his armor, and as a result, his weakness was revealed: his true love, blind, unconditional love... That still holds true.

Clearly touched, Sammo helps Andy out of his clothes, resurrecting his dragon one last time.

Before, weakened and armor-less, Andy, that vain bastard, orders Sammo to ring a gong and shout his name a few more times...

As he charges alone towards the army of hundreds and his own certain death.

Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon: 3/10

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

2008-06-14T23:17:00.011-04:00

I guess I have some things to say, but I'm not sure how to lead into them. So I guess I'll just narrate the boring cursory parts so I can get to the meaty, good stuff much quicker. Hopefully nobody notices, but, just in case, I'll make these parts blurry and abstract so they think I'm just being artsy and clever.

Brad Pitt is especially disappointing in this movie, as well. I mean, everyone goes to Brad Pitt movies to see Brad Pitt, not some flawed, conflicted, and borderline evil character. Furthermore, he actually has the balls to use his real-life persona to twist and manipulate the audience, revealing bouts of intimidation, evil, and instability behind the cool facade of charm.

Now I need to find a way to praise the cinematography and artistic direction, but, of course, in my sarcastic roundabout way. However, this is tough and I'm just too lazy to actually script this element, so I'll just do it with pretty pictures. Maybe then people will think I'm commentating on the warped storybook nature of the story, but in reality, I'm just being lazy.

Now we're getting to the good stuff, so I can stop narrating for a while.

Like Pitt's Jesse James, Dominik does a fantastic job of showing off his unrestricted manhood by shooting everyone. And everything. For a long time. That just keeps going. Sometimes even minutes after the scene's last line. Often dissolving into the scene. Thereby artificially lengthening the next one, as well. But it's okay. Because it's not excess. It's contemplation. And it's visual poetry (the title is actually a haiku). For nearly three hours. Long.

Even more impressive is Dominik's thoughtfulness. While he does nearly lull us to sleep in the first act of the movie, he makes it nearly insignificant, as we receive all the key information later in the movie anyway, such as Robert Ford's obssession, Dick Liddel's womanizing, Jesse James' charismatic cruelty, Frank James' insignificance, Charlie Ford and Ed Miller's ignorance, as well as the love-hate brotherly dynamic between the whole gang.

This way, once we wake up to Casey Affleck dressing up as Brad Pitt forty minutes into the movie, we'll still be able to catch up and appreciate the rest of the film.

All of these positives, however, are dampened by the film's fatal flaw -- its criticism of celebrity glamorization and obsession, especially in light of death.

I mean, think about it. Let's say some famous person died recently. Do you want to be deprived of worshipping and imitating your precious screen idols? Don't you want to reserve your right to overlook blatant drug abuse? Isn't it satisfying to wildly celebrate a body of work that largely consists of silly period pieces, ridiculous "thrillers", and fluffy romantic comedies? I think not.

It's a shame the film had to overshadow all its good points with its well-constructed, relevant, but depressing theme.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford: 6/10

A Black Comedy White Tragedy

2008-06-11T22:07:00.006-04:00

This film is the most inefficient movie I've ever seen. All across the board, people just try harder than they really need to try.

For example, everyone knows you don't sell tickets, Colin, so why waste time acting? And why construct a plot that's too unpredictable, Martin, when it won't sell because you can't properly execute it in a 2-minute trailer? And why compose a haunting score, Carter, when there are no words to sell them to Apple's iBots?

Just a complete and utter waste of talent all around.

Just like some other critics attest to, though, the film's only saving grace is its daring and unrestrained dialogue because not everyone can make a war between black midgets and white midgets funny, especially when when the fat retarded black woman helps tilt the proverbial see-saw in their favor, as the fat caucasian Americans are too lazy and unfit to run up the long and winding ladder to white supremacy, while their white Dutch counterparts struggle to earn money from their vaginas as suffering illegal immigrants snorting cocaine. Oh, and everyone's gay. That's wit and high comedy right there. Offending people rules.

In Bruges: 7/10

Vexille

2008-06-08T18:31:00.003-04:00

1. ~~character~~ characters
2. pl[holes]ot
3. promising pre
mi
se FLAT
4. visual splendor

Vexille: 6/10

1. character-less characters
2. plot full of holes
3. promising premise falls flat (what? I was desperate)
4. visual splendor

Be Kind Rewind

2008-06-07T14:04:00.004-04:00

After dizzying us with the visual creativity and splendor of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep, Michel Gondry takes a break here to chill out and make home videos. Clearly a master method director, he purposely forgot his craft for his craft, in order to make the most amateur-looking movie possible and, supporting the film's theme of non-commercialism, he ~~burns~~ spends $20 million of studio money doing it! The French Revolution lives!

But his subtly laid-out social messages don't just end there. Suspiciously coining his amateur-remake-things as "sweded," Gondry also warns us of the inherent evils of retail giant, IKEA, using the remakes as a metaphor for furniture: sure, they're pleasant on the surface, but they take forever (an entire act) to deliver, are a bitch to construct, are ridiculously cheap, all in all translating to the gimmick breaking down much sooner than expected.

Be Kind Rewind: 5/10

Be With You

2008-06-05T22:21:00.004-04:00

A seemingly simple fairy-tale that works on more levels than one (meaning two).

Take, for example, the beginning. It builds an intriguing premise that's centered upon a dead wife/mother seemingly coming back to life for a father and son. In order to make us feel the dear mothers' sudden disappearance and return to the sympathetic family, director Doi yanks and ignores the most intriguing aspect of the movie for a good hour, stranding the viewer with feelings of frustration, angst, and anger, just like Takumi and Yuji in the film. This feeling of abandonment is further enhanced by the director choosing to focus on a generic love story told in flashbacks, instead of the unique mystery that pervades the entire premise.

When the (apparently not) main plot about the dead wife returns in the third act, the movie hurriedly goes through the (e)motions, climaxes early, then regresses back into the monotony of the generic flashback love story, of course, cleverly symbolizing Mio's, the dead mother's, tragically short, yet happy, life.

And then, as if realizing that it climaxed early and that there's no real reason for the viewer to sit through the rest of the film, some silly time travel subplot is tacked on for good measure, garnished by sunflowers.

Also, to convey the fact that the family loves each other ridiculously, Doi makes them bland, conflict-less, and one-dimensional. In fact, even Nakamura shows the love by making sure that child actor Takei Akashi isn't blown off-screen by matching his single expression of "cute" with his own static expression of "perplexion."

The only part I don't like in this fairy tale is that they don't live happily ever after.

Be With You: 4/10

The Signal

2008-06-04T21:17:00.004-04:00

Transmission I: Crazy In Love: 7/10

First of all, kudos to the filmmakers for finally giving Julian Sark, Chief Tyrol, and young Catherine Willows their first big-screen roles, effectively enhancing the premise of the television projecting a distorted version of reality.

This film is also to be praised as it is as anti-commercial as it can get (as evident by its introduction with pointless, non-sexual nudity), condemning subliminal advertising and subtext on-screen, also further enhanced by its cuttingly direct dialogue with idiot-proof lines like "Do you have the crazy?" and "You're not my husband. You're a homicidal maniac."

Transmission II: The Jealousy Monster: 5/10
Then in the second segment, there's a sudden shift in tone from horror to black comedy, which satirizes that much-deserving subset of people called psycho killers, poking fun of undesirable traits like dementia, rage, adultery, and jealousy and showing off how clever they are for doing so, because, God knows, it's about time someone enlightened the world of the undesirability of murder and insanity.

Unfortunately, in their mission of conveying their social message, they also forgot to bring the funny, but that can be forgiven. It's the endearingly incompetent attempt that counts.

Transmission III: Escape From Terminus: 4/10
And then, suddenly, the party ceased and the title screen came on again, prompting me to wait excitedly for the next clever take on the generic horror genre that never arrives.

Instead, the film reverts back to its original tone, making it appear as if the second segment was made to be wildly different only when the filmmakers realized how ridiculous their premise and plot elements were that they chose to override it by making it laughable. This way, instead of us laughing at their movie, they laugh at it with us.

Apparently, some people seemed to think this section was a mystery-love story, and I guess it's true because it's a mystery as to where the mystery is, and a love story, as evident by the message that love (maybe, vaguely, not surely, ambiguously) conquers maniacs, blood, injury, rationality, reality, and (maybe) aliens.

The Signal: 5/10

(Small) Screen Kings

2008-06-02T23:02:00.010-04:00

Clearly director David Ayer is a master of television, expertly minimizing competently-intense performances from the silver to the small screen. He also manages to round up a hodge-podge of varying famous faces and turning their roles into glorified guest-starring cameos.

Not only that, sure to please network execs, he manages to cram in numerous jarring commercial breaks every fifteen minutes into the narrative, then re-introducing the story with generic television flyovers made popular by crime shows. Observe.

In fact, he goes so far in his mission to turn the film into a show that he blatantly introduces Hugh Laurie as House to please his fans.

Who's the man behind the curtain?

He has his pills. All he forgot was his cane.

It takes a director of astounding humility to realize the limitations of their major motion picture and consciously chooses to turn it into a star-studded TV movie with excessive swearing and Ayer oozes this trait, and then some more ooze.

And people wonder why this flopped at the box-office. That was by design.

Street Kings: 4/10

The Painted Veil (Which, for some reason, turned into an Incredble Hulk SMASH!)

2008-06-01T13:42:00.006-04:00

Clearly a mere warmup performance for Edward Norton before The Incredible Hulk hits, he plays a Bruce Banner-like mild-mannered scientist who suddenly flies into a rage, turning green (with envy) in the process.

Except instead of smashing stuff, he turns passive-aggressive, and instead of growing biceps, he grows bacteria after taking his wife to the cholera-infested Chinese gorges (and I mean that as a noun, not in the rabid mutant dog sense).

What this film lacks in explosions, it makes up for in characterization, style, cinematography, and drama -- exactly the things that made Ang Lee's bastardization Hulk so, so, so, so, so bad. Thank goodness we can be sure Louis Leterrier won't lower himself to these standards.

(Side note: Ever notice how Louis Le Terrier directed Danny the Dog? Ironic? Or ironically BRILLIANT!)

The Painted Veil: 7/10

National Treasure 2 is About The Internet

2008-05-26T14:36:00.004-04:00

Through several clicks of cryptography and wordplay, I have determined that "Book of Secrets" is obviously a well-hidden anagram of "Socket of Bores."

Farfetched? Hardly. I'm merely manipulating language and history to further my agenda for entertainment's purposes, bear with me.

Now, according to Google, this mysterious "Bores" refers to one Michael Heath who, upon further research, is revealed to be the one and only Michael T. Heath of the University of Illinois who is the head of the Department of Computer Science.

What? Coincidental? There are several Michael Heaths out there, any of whom can be applicable to this fabricated riddle?... Let's move on.

Given that this legendary "socket" belongs to the aforementioned Heath, it obviously refers to computer sockets, which obviously are what allow two computers to connect and are the fundamental foundation of the Internet.

Huh? This explanation is getting long-winded and boring and keeps dragging on? But that's only because I don't have a sense of pace and speed or excitement and intrigue and keep repeating and restating plot points and story elements over and over and over and over and over again! Jeez, nobody's perfect.

In other words, this blogger wholeheartedly agrees with Turteltaub's assertion that the Internet is truly the most precious national treasure of all. Because, after all, without National Treasure: Internet, how else would I have been able to make sense of all this nonsense?

National Treasure: Book of Secrets: 4/10

The C/Ottage

2008-05-25T01:27:00.004-04:00

First of all, Andy Serkis' performance as the titular cottage is simply wonderful. Physically contorting himself like that to give the appearance of being wooden can't have been easy (the reason Keanu Reeves keeps getting jobs), nor his motion capture performance without any motion. Amazingly, there never is an actual cottage in the movie, which makes his accomplishment even more incredible. His performance completely overshadows that of the amateur imbecile who played the straight, tough crook.

The Cottage is a wonderful bargain of a film, as you feel like you've seen two movies for the price (and time) of one. The first half, which I'll call The C, is a wonderful dissection of stupidity and criminal ineptitude, which the Brits seem to be an expert at. Williams brilliantly also manages to achieve a new zenith in audience interaction by making everyone want to bash all the characters' faces in.

British Kevin Spacey watching the door.

Which brings us to Ottage, the second feature of the double bill, which should've been subtitled Wish Fulfillment. Here, the film swerves into familiar skin-dressing farm slasher territory where all the characters are chopped messily into halves, much like the actual movie. Gore here, splatter, there, blah blah blah, tears. Fin.

The Cottage: 5/10

The Forbidden Kingdom

2008-05-23T23:33:00.005-04:00

Brilliant and biting satire of all those stupid kung-fu movies that were merely conceived as star vehicles, punctuated with contrived plots and calculated for commerciality. They even poked fun of the ridiculous English dubbing by having everyone speak third grade-level lines.

Their self-deprecating sense of humor is never more evident than when it makes even more of a joke out of Boston's joke of a Chinatown and made fun of the fact that, like the bible, nobody actually reads Journey to the West, so what would be the point of actually adapting it?

Nothing spells "naughty, mischievous fight humor" like Jackie Ch...eh?

Everything about the movie felt as authentic as the Jet and Jackie's top billing or its marketing campaign.

The Forbidden Kingdom: 3/10

Puns Not InTENDed

2008-05-20T23:27:00.004-04:00

Satoshi (K)ONs us into overLOOKing the barRAGE of riDIKulous COINciDENces tHAT MANifest themsELVES in this CHRISTmas FAIRY tALE by sH@MELESSly DRAGging out and flOUTING its NUM(B)ERous deus EX machinas aCROSS,DRESSING it WITh SENTiMENTALity, huMOR(E) and wARMth, WINDing up with an INFANTile STOR(E)y of disGUSTing HOPe and HUMANism B(U)Y the ACT(S)ion-pacK(I)D END.

Tokyo Godfathers: 6/10

Apocalypto B.C.

2008-05-19T11:17:00.011-04:00

Another great period piece, director Roland Emmerich makes sure to hammer in the historical nature of the movie by aping other films. We know it's historical, because we've seen it before, and before that, and before that. Not only is it historical, but it's timeless, a sign of a truly great historical epic.

Other historical cues include dreadlocks (because braiding is the ultimate symbol of primitiveness), walking from the tundras to jungles to bamboo forests to deserts in a matter of days (because the earth was small and flat back then), and funny accents (because nobody could speak English good).

Furthermore, in order to counter the film's lack of identifiable characters, Emmerich wisely turns to Uwe Boll for advice and turns the film into video games or, more specifically, RPGs for structural elements. In role-playing games, we usually don't have to sympathize with main character, because we are the main character. And only suicidal people don't sympathize with themselves.

Training mission complete, XP gained. LEVEL UP.

BAKU HAS JOINED THE PARTY.

Now entering: CHOCOBO FOREST.

SPECIAL ITEM RECEIVED.

FINAL BOSS AWAITS!

CURSORY AND FORCED LOVE SUBPLOT CAN NOW BE CONSUMMATED.

10,000 B.C.: 3/10

The Bank Job

2008-05-18T23:06:00.003-04:00

I love this movie. Watching incredibly stupid people do incredibly stupid things inevitably makes me feel smarter, which I could always use. And it's a true story, no less. And a period piece. I feel the smarts already.

Not only that, virtusoso director, Roger Donaldson purposely made it visually challenging, bringing to mind those times when I was a kid and I spun around and around in the backyard to try to keep my balance while I was dizzy in order to build up my resistance to nausea, vertigo, and the effects of Elmer's glue.

Donaldson's definition of tension is apparently sweeping the camera around while adding heartbeats to the soundtrack, which, of course, is there to remind us to be thrilled.

Oh, and there's also this touching sub-plot about some groupie/spy in Trinidad, who gets shot, which makes me feel sad for no particular reason other than the brilliantly manipulative soundtrack and the extras crying over her dead body.

Sad and smartly flawed characters. I guess you could call The Bank Job a tragedy of a film.

The Bank Job: 5/10

Teeth Bites

2008-05-18T16:56:00.016-04:00

First of all, let me just say that Teeth has the best set of posters I've seen in quite some time, perfectly capturing the film's tone. Horror? Comedy?... Sexploitation?(???) Who knows. Kudos to the marketing team for such valuable insight.

I felt like I was watching Lars 2 with all the indecision, and once again, the main character pretty much sums up the movie. Dawn refuses to accept her identity as a woman, just like Teeth does! Brilliant!

But yet when she does, she takes an unacknowledged 180 from her original yet-of-age state. She starts off as an abstinence crusader, believing pre-marital sex to be a borderline near-lethal threat, then ends the film as a castration crusader using pre-marital sex as a near-lethal threat. So what important social message do we all learn? Sex kills. And men are clueless on sex-related morality! Just like the writer-director! Brilliant times TWO!

But that's not all there is to praise. There's also the director's gratuitous visual flair, especially evident with the illumination of the threat of nuclear power plants by constantly shooting them in the background (doubling as a symbol for killer women's breasts).

Clearly little Mitchell inherited his subtle creative eye from his father.

Stay away, he's got crabs.

That said, I'm glad Teeth is such an inspiring film. I really hope women take Teeth's empowering message of having sex with men who have wronged them to chomp off their penises with imaginary teeth, because then I can laugh at those bitches when I wave my intact penis in front of their shocked and confused generic faces.

Teeth: 5/10

Lars is the Real Movie

2008-05-01T02:27:00.007-04:00

Lars isn't just a movie. Lars is the movie. And the movie is Lars. And therein lies the brilliance of the film.

Perfectly embodying its main character, Lars eschews any sort of connection between himself and the world that surrounds him. He doesn't want anything to do with that cute little Romance, trying so hard to give him some heart, nor does he pay attention to pesky Drama, trying to shake any sense of reality into him.

The closest entity he comes into contact with is Comedy, but I guess Lars was too dull, because Comedy ditches him a third of the way through, probably due Lars' tendency to wander aimlessly from time to time.

Where delusional Lars does find comfort in, however, is with the sudden arrival of Indie, all cool and hip, straight from the Internet, but, of course, everyone else knows this Indie's just as synthetic as the doll (plus, it's not even a real genre), and yet, everyone tolerates Lars anyway, just because that gosh-darn-nice Ryan Gosling tries so hard.

But so what? Lars just wants to work out his problems his own way, so let him be. At the end of it all, the comfort and warmth of the bargain DVD bin will be waiting for him, anyway.

Lars and the Real Girl: 5/10

Hitman: Mass Murderer

2008-04-29T03:52:00.007-04:00

As a Silent Assassin, myself, I know exactly what it's like to kill with everyday objects like an emotionless machine and escape unnoticed from every single situation I've been put in without killing anyone but the target and earning my Double Ballers.

In that light, Hitman was amazing and perfectly mirrored my experiences (except for the killing with a variety of guns, the faux-emotion, getting noticed in every situation he was in, and mass murdering everyone, including the target, twice, and not earning his Double Ballers.)

Hitman: 5/10

My Blueberry Nights

2008-04-28T20:37:00.004-04:00

Pretty pictures, good

performances, artsy flair

amount to nothing.

My Blueberry Nights: 4/10

Harold and Kumar 2: Yellow Fever

2008-04-26T01:57:00.005-04:00

Yes! Yes. This movie gets it. It's about time we minorities fought back against racism by being racist back to the white people, thus pre-emptively out-racist-ing them into submission (except without the slave chains and cotton plantations, of course). It worked for Afghanistan and Iraq, why not in the real world?

In fact, this entire spring has been a coup for us yellows. I noticed a total of three Oriental-oriented movies on the marquee tonight: The Forbidden Kingdom, Harold and Kumar 2, and, of course, 21.

The only thing about the film that briefly disappointed me was that the entire Escape From Guantanamo Bay only took about 10 minutes (and no, that's not a spoiler -- the fact that it's stated in the title disqualifies it), but then I realized that nobody laughs at racism from Cubans -- we at racism from white people, because, you know, all white people are racist. Everyone knows that.

Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay: 4/10

American Gangster

2008-04-21T18:54:00.008-04:00

Two words. Ruby Dee. Much, much deserved Oscar nomination. She owned this movie.

You know, when I first heard about that Oscar pick, I thought it was just one of those body-of-work/respect-for-your-elders picks, but, man did she steal the show.

How many scenes this she appear in, again? One? Two? All the more impressive! Not just anyone can rack up a nomination for a seven line role. But who can? Ruby Dee can, that's who.

Russell and Denzel couldn't hold a candle to her screen presence because their flame would just be blown out by all the hot air.

Great film though, with a great message, as exemplified by the final shot.

That's right, don't become a ruthless gangster or you'll be punished by the penal system, end up penniless and on the streets, right before Hollywood rewards you for the rights to your life story.

Inspirational stuff. That Frank Lucas sure had his royalties coming.

American Gangster: 7/10

The Trap

2008-04-20T04:02:00.006-04:00

A Serbian film from 2007, which is shocking in and of itself, because I thought Serbian was merely a language. It's about a hapless father who is put into a predicament when his son is diagnosed to require some sort of vague surgery to cure some vague disorder that causes not-so-vague seizures.

Naturally, the "hapless" comes into play because he can't afford it and is forced to turn to measures like sulking around in his office, getting drunk, trashing furniture, and killing people. This protagonist is just so likeable! No wonder everyone loves him and thinks he's a good man.

However, what I admire most about the movie is how it hits all the important social issues down the road, and then runs away recklessly in its red Renault 4, without even checking to see what sort of monster it has hit. Every single time!

After all, nobody likes watching social commentary. Nobody wants to face the problems. Why do you think alcohol's so popular all over the world?

So every time social injustice rears its ugly head, The Trap does the sensible thing and merely nods, in acknowledgement, shies away politely, then goes on its way, absorbed in its own melodramatic conventions and self-importance.

The Trap: 5/10

Thankfully [REC]ycled

2008-04-19T00:56:00.006-04:00

I watched the Spanish horror movie, [REC], a couple weeks ago and left the viewing speechless. It was the most horrifying, intense, and thrilling cinematic experience I'd had since... I can't even remember.

Needless to say, I absolutely hated it.

Here were the two major problems:

It was way too scary.

It felt way too real.

So imagine my relief when I saw the trailer for the upcoming American version.

Way Too Scary
While I can't judge Quarantine on its scares yet (because there's no general consensus to rip-off yet), previous foreign horror remake indicate that it'll be half as scary as before, which reassures me, because that means half the insomnia. And, trust me, that's a good thing, because the terror in the third act of [REC] was just overwhelming.

Let me note, at this point, that I watched [REC] as the second part of a Cloverfield-[REC] double-feature, and it was so scary that I couldn't even remember watching Cloverfield by the time [REC] was done, which was extremely disappointing, because who spends money to see a movie just to forget it? That's right, I blame [REC] for the time and money I wasted on Cloverfield, which brings me to my next issue.

Way Too Real
I loved Cloverfield and its cute, adorable attempts to feel real. It was endearing, like rooting for the retarded, handicapped cash cow to succeed.

Take the cast, for example -- the irrational romantic hero, the smart-aleck doofus sidekick, the hot girl-next-door-the-hero-mistakenly-hadn't-proclaimed-his-love-for, the slighly-gothic, sassy girl, and the token black woman along for the ride -- it was like The Breakfast Club's Godzilla New York Minute. By using cookie-cutter characters, the audience was reassured that it was just a film, and that there's nothing to be afraid of, everything's okay.

In contrast, however, [REC] takes realism to an extreme. You never get to know the characters, just like real life, there's no backstory, except when the camera discovers it, and there's no gimmicky flashbacks for emotional resonance. The only emotion there was pure unadulterated fear, which is just plain scary.

Furthermore, it's geniuinely grainy, sloppy, low-budget, and flawed and it felt like they hired an amateur to shoot it (as opposed feeling like a seasoned professional jiggled the camera a bit while making smart-ass comments to lighten the mood).

It was too believable. And nobody goes to movies to experience reality, they go for escape. They go for clear-cut monsters and pretty young casts running sweatily.

Which brings us back to Quarantine. Cloverfield's polish is back, its attractive cast is back, and even the monsters look like movie monsters, unlike the very human-looking infectees of the original. And, finally, even the exposition is back, because God knows reality never has a prologue.

Thank goodness Quarantine is here to save us from the horror of [REC].

[REC]: 8/10
Cloverfield: 5/10

I Knew That Pose Looked Familiar...

2008-04-18T01:36:00.002-04:00

I guess it's the fearless-scientist-who's-mankind's-last-hope-against-undefeatable-monsters outfit.

Posters from Internet Movie Poster Awards.

21 and its So-Called "Whitewashing"

2008-04-17T01:08:00.001-04:00

While I have not seen the movie, I've been asked several times what I thought about Hollywood "whitewashing" history with Caucasian actors. Do I think the move is racist? Am I angry about it? Offended? As a minority, do I care?

And, invariably, I just turn to them and chuckle at their ignorance, and ask, "Minority? Are you sure about that?"

In fact, I completely support this move because Caucasians are underrepresented as it is. In fact, I pity them. More than half the world is of Asian descent and, for you colored folk who don't know your math, that's more than 50%.

Asians are hogging up all the screen-time on this planet, it's like Caucasians don't even exist except on niche, fringe western islands like "North America," and even then they have to share the space with other people of color. I can only imagine such invisible underappreciation.

Furthermore, Caucasians are typecast constantly. It's about time they're portrayed as smart, mathematically-inclined folk (even though it is, of course, just a movie). Plus, when they are portrayed, white people never have any shades of gray. I guess it's just their nature.

These groundless assertions that Hawk's "Shop Assistant," Jim Sturgess, was cast just to bring theatergoers into the audience is complete hogswash. Everyone knows Caucasians don't sell. If anything, all they do is buy, buy, and buy, and, if we're lucky, maybe pay reparations once a century when under extreme societal pressure.

As far as I'm concerned, all this bitching by the Asian community is really very unfounded. If anything, we should encourage giving Caucasians voice in this world, especially since a lot of them only bother to learn one language.

It's about time we gave back to our less-fortunate race and let them shine, for once. And for that, Hollywood and 21, I commend you.

Crash is About Racism

2008-04-15T11:08:00.002-04:00

It didn't hit me until the credits were rolling and I realized I couldn't pronounce 10% of the names. (Oh, you, Michael Peña! Your demented "n" above the "n" blew my mind.)

See, being as unracist and equal-opportunity as I am, I never even noticed the multi-racial cast since everyone non-Asian looks the same to me. If it weren't for the credits, all the color just would've whizzed me by.

I really should've noticed it just by the title, though. See, there was never any crash depicted on-screen. I was waiting for it the whole time, only to be quarter-satisfied by some weak off-screen car wreck that was non-essential to the plot. (Hell, the whole plot was non-essential to the plot, but that, of course, is just another reflection of racism in society.)

Then I thought to myself... "If Mr. Haggis wants me to look for crashes, where would I look?" And then it hit me. "Crashes happen in races!"

The title wasn't just an arbitrary term tacked on because a film called Racism would never sell. Crashes happen in races. Now, that's symbolism.

The message is so subtlely laid out throughout the film that if you replaced the entire cast with white people, it would've just been a non-sensical mish-mash of characters and circumstance. Instead, it's a non-sensiscal mish-mash of characters and circumstance with different ethnicities. Just like life! My horizons are broadening already.

Thanks to the realizations this movie have taught me, I now know that white people are ignorant, Persians love guns and shoot people, black people either steal cars or pick fights with white policemen, Hispanics love family, and Asians are completely invisible.

Crash is a landmark film on racism and the world, in general. It's just a shame that, because of his artistry, so few people got the message.

Crash: 5/10

Horton Hears a Who! is About Mental Disorder

2008-04-15T11:04:00.002-04:00

It's about time that somebody taught our children an introductory catalog of mental illness so that we can teach our children how to avoid insanity in general. Dr. Seuss, I commend you for sharing your expertise, and teaching the world that midgets are people, and not a species.

Schizophrenia
The most obvious disorder depicted by the movie, it must be pure delusional, hallucinatory, paranoic insanity that Horton has not yet become the mascot of schizophrenics of the world.

Not only does Horton hear voices from dust particles, perceive the world as an anime, bursts out into random song, is an outcast, and suffers bouts of clinical depression, but eventually, through sheer force of nature and perseverance, he succeeds! And he gets the world to accept and believe in him -- the ultimate delusion them of all.

Bulimia
Not only does the good Dr. Seuss illustrate the effects of bulimia, but he takes an extra step of greatness that most doctors never reach by actually judging the disorder. By assigning this evil to communist foreign villain, Vlad Vladikoff, Dr. Seuss shows the world what he thinks of this shameful wickedness.

Also notice that the name "Vladikoff," itself, is a near-homophone of "bladder cough," when said in an evil Russian accent -- another indication that bulimia is just the equivalent of making your mouth a penis/vagina and then coughing with it. But only if you're socialist.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
At one point in the film, Horton meticulously picks, groups, and categorizes 9,005 clovers in an effort to re-claim his insanity -- which, of course, he finally achieves when when he starts hearing voices again.

Dr. Seuss teaches us that, not only should you work for you insanity, but you should be happy when you find it, because it's what makes you unique, and what you're ultimately classified as in history.

Motion Sickness
Furthermore, taking place in a field of clovers, the aforementioned scene is, of course, also secondarily an allusion to Cloverfield, re-assuring us that motion sickness and death are inevitable parts of humanity's monstrous nature.

Retardation
While not in the movie, per se, notice how the title is phrased as a question, and yet is punctuated by an exclamation mark so that Horton Hears a Who? turns into a shout.

This choice effectively equates a question mark with an exclamation and, by extension, uncertainty with screaming. This is yet another brilliant, but subtle masterstroke that conveys to the throngs retards out there (many of whom are reading this) that, when you don't know something, just SHOUT IT OUT LOUD and people will think you're making a bold statement.

Other disorders covered by Dr. Seuss's treatise include:

Trypanophobia: The Mayor's fear of sharp objects is rational, just like yours!
Introversion: When depressed, misunderstood, ignored, and surrounded by 96 women you can't have relations with, turn goth and make your own kind of music.
Multiple Personality Disorder: If you're lucky, you'll have Horton's talent of temporarily disfiguring your body to match your inner essence. If not, go here.
Fascism: Like bulimia, this is is an evil type of insanity, as personified by Sour Kangaroo.
Antisocial Personality Disorder: Finally, if you have faces like these, you're probably just dumb and evil.

Horton Hears a Who!: 6/10