National Treasure 2 is About The Internet

Through several clicks of cryptography and wordplay, I have determined that "Book of Secrets" is obviously a well-hidden anagram of "Socket of Bores."

Farfetched? Hardly. I'm merely manipulating language and history to further my agenda for entertainment's purposes, bear with me.

Now, according to Google, this mysterious "Bores" refers to one Michael Heath who, upon further research, is revealed to be the one and only Michael T. Heath of the University of Illinois who is the head of the Department of Computer Science.

What? Coincidental? There are several Michael Heaths out there, any of whom can be applicable to this fabricated riddle?... Let's move on.

Given that this legendary "socket" belongs to the aforementioned Heath, it obviously refers to computer sockets, which obviously are what allow two computers to connect and are the fundamental foundation of the Internet.

Huh? This explanation is getting long-winded and boring and keeps dragging on? But that's only because I don't have a sense of pace and speed or excitement and intrigue and keep repeating and restating plot points and story elements over and over and over and over and over again! Jeez, nobody's perfect.

In other words, this blogger wholeheartedly agrees with Turteltaub's assertion that the Internet is truly the most precious national treasure of all. Because, after all, without National Treasure: Internet, how else would I have been able to make sense of all this nonsense?

National Treasure: Book of Secrets: 4/10

The C/Ottage

First of all, Andy Serkis' performance as the titular cottage is simply wonderful. Physically contorting himself like that to give the appearance of being wooden can't have been easy (the reason Keanu Reeves keeps getting jobs), nor his motion capture performance without any motion. Amazingly, there never is an actual cottage in the movie, which makes his accomplishment even more incredible. His performance completely overshadows that of the amateur imbecile who played the straight, tough crook.

The Cottage is a wonderful bargain of a film, as you feel like you've seen two movies for the price (and time) of one. The first half, which I'll call The C, is a wonderful dissection of stupidity and criminal ineptitude, which the Brits seem to be an expert at. Williams brilliantly also manages to achieve a new zenith in audience interaction by making everyone want to bash all the characters' faces in.

British Kevin Spacey watching the door.

Which brings us to Ottage, the second feature of the double bill, which should've been subtitled Wish Fulfillment. Here, the film swerves into familiar skin-dressing farm slasher territory where all the characters are chopped messily into halves, much like the actual movie. Gore here, splatter, there, blah blah blah, tears. Fin.

The Cottage: 5/10

The Forbidden Kingdom

Brilliant and biting satire of all those stupid kung-fu movies that were merely conceived as star vehicles, punctuated with contrived plots and calculated for commerciality. They even poked fun of the ridiculous English dubbing by having everyone speak third grade-level lines.

Their self-deprecating sense of humor is never more evident than when it makes even more of a joke out of Boston's joke of a Chinatown and made fun of the fact that, like the bible, nobody actually reads Journey to the West, so what would be the point of actually adapting it?

Nothing spells "naughty, mischievous fight humor" like Jackie Ch...eh?

Everything about the movie felt as authentic as the Jet and Jackie's top billing or its marketing campaign.

The Forbidden Kingdom: 3/10

Puns Not InTENDed

Satoshi (K)ONs us into overLOOKing the barRAGE of riDIKulous COINciDENces tHAT MANifest themsELVES in this CHRISTmas FAIRY tALE by sH@MELESSly DRAGging out and flOUTING its NUM(B)ERous deus EX machinas aCROSS,DRESSING it WITh SENTiMENTALity, huMOR(E) and wARMth, WINDing up with an INFANTile STOR(E)y of disGUSTing HOPe and HUMANism B(U)Y the ACT(S)ion-pacK(I)D END.

Tokyo Godfathers: 6/10

Apocalypto B.C.

Another great period piece, director Roland Emmerich makes sure to hammer in the historical nature of the movie by aping other films. We know it's historical, because we've seen it before, and before that, and before that. Not only is it historical, but it's timeless, a sign of a truly great historical epic.

Other historical cues include dreadlocks (because braiding is the ultimate symbol of primitiveness), walking from the tundras to jungles to bamboo forests to deserts in a matter of days (because the earth was small and flat back then), and funny accents (because nobody could speak English good).

Furthermore, in order to counter the film's lack of identifiable characters, Emmerich wisely turns to Uwe Boll for advice and turns the film into video games or, more specifically, RPGs for structural elements. In role-playing games, we usually don't have to sympathize with main character, because we are the main character. And only suicidal people don't sympathize with themselves.

Training mission complete, XP gained. LEVEL UP.

BAKU HAS JOINED THE PARTY.

Now entering: CHOCOBO FOREST.

SPECIAL ITEM RECEIVED.

FINAL BOSS AWAITS!

CURSORY AND FORCED LOVE SUBPLOT CAN NOW BE CONSUMMATED.

10,000 B.C.: 3/10

The Bank Job

I love this movie. Watching incredibly stupid people do incredibly stupid things inevitably makes me feel smarter, which I could always use. And it's a true story, no less. And a period piece. I feel the smarts already.

Not only that, virtusoso director, Roger Donaldson purposely made it visually challenging, bringing to mind those times when I was a kid and I spun around and around in the backyard to try to keep my balance while I was dizzy in order to build up my resistance to nausea, vertigo, and the effects of Elmer's glue.

Donaldson's definition of tension is apparently sweeping the camera around while adding heartbeats to the soundtrack, which, of course, is there to remind us to be thrilled.

Oh, and there's also this touching sub-plot about some groupie/spy in Trinidad, who gets shot, which makes me feel sad for no particular reason other than the brilliantly manipulative soundtrack and the extras crying over her dead body.

Sad and smartly flawed characters. I guess you could call The Bank Job a tragedy of a film.

The Bank Job: 5/10

Teeth Bites

First of all, let me just say that Teeth has the best set of posters I've seen in quite some time, perfectly capturing the film's tone. Horror? Comedy?... Sexploitation?(???) Who knows. Kudos to the marketing team for such valuable insight.





I felt like I was watching Lars 2 with all the indecision, and once again, the main character pretty much sums up the movie. Dawn refuses to accept her identity as a woman, just like Teeth does! Brilliant!





But yet when she does, she takes an unacknowledged 180 from her original yet-of-age state. She starts off as an abstinence crusader, believing pre-marital sex to be a borderline near-lethal threat, then ends the film as a castration crusader using pre-marital sex as a near-lethal threat. So what important social message do we all learn? Sex kills. And men are clueless on sex-related morality! Just like the writer-director! Brilliant times TWO!

But that's not all there is to praise. There's also the director's gratuitous visual flair, especially evident with the illumination of the threat of nuclear power plants by constantly shooting them in the background (doubling as a symbol for killer women's breasts).



Clearly little Mitchell inherited his subtle creative eye from his father.


Stay away, he's got crabs.

That said, I'm glad Teeth is such an inspiring film. I really hope women take Teeth's empowering message of having sex with men who have wronged them to chomp off their penises with imaginary teeth, because then I can laugh at those bitches when I wave my intact penis in front of their shocked and confused generic faces.

Teeth: 5/10

Lars is the Real Movie

Lars isn't just a movie. Lars is the movie. And the movie is Lars. And therein lies the brilliance of the film.

Perfectly embodying its main character, Lars eschews any sort of connection between himself and the world that surrounds him. He doesn't want anything to do with that cute little Romance, trying so hard to give him some heart, nor does he pay attention to pesky Drama, trying to shake any sense of reality into him.

The closest entity he comes into contact with is Comedy, but I guess Lars was too dull, because Comedy ditches him a third of the way through, probably due Lars' tendency to wander aimlessly from time to time.

Where delusional Lars does find comfort in, however, is with the sudden arrival of Indie, all cool and hip, straight from the Internet, but, of course, everyone else knows this Indie's just as synthetic as the doll (plus, it's not even a real genre), and yet, everyone tolerates Lars anyway, just because that gosh-darn-nice Ryan Gosling tries so hard.

But so what? Lars just wants to work out his problems his own way, so let him be. At the end of it all, the comfort and warmth of the bargain DVD bin will be waiting for him, anyway.

Lars and the Real Girl: 5/10